CSB JANUARY 16, 2015
Just like Sylvester Stallone when a producer told him that a new Rambo sequel is “definitely a good idea”, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NCAAF- CFB Championship
The Ohio State Buckeyes won the first-ever College Football Playoff and took home this year’s National Championship. OSU superfan LeBron James chimed in afterwards, saying “It’s great to see someone finally bring a championship to the city of Cleveland”.
Buckeyes’ sophomore Zeke Elliot set a new BCS record by rushing for 246 yards on 36 carries. The last time this many people were in this much awe of a black man running, they were all voting democrat in 2008.
You’ve got to feel for a guy like Marcus Mariota. Not only did he lose the CFP in lopsided fashion, but his night got even worse after the loss – people kept reminding him that he’ll be playing for the Buccaneers next year.
The Ohio State-Oregon game is the highest-rated cable TV program of all time. Finally, a wholesome American program that takes place in the South where I don’t need subtitles to understand what people who are speaking English are saying.
NFL Playoffs
The Dallas Cowboys have been eliminated from this year’s NFL playoffs by the Green Bay Packers. Owner Jerry Jones dealt with the crushing loss like any Cowboys fan would have: he leaned over to his team of butlers and asked them to hand him some $100 bills so he could wipe away the tears before his new, surgically-enhanced chin was ruined from the excess moisture.
Chris Christie, despite being a good friend of Jones’, might jump ship and cheer for the Packers this coming weekend when they play the Seahawks. Sources say he’s only rooting for Green Bay because he thinks those hats are made of actual cheese.
The Buffalo Bills have hired Rex Ryan as their head coach. This move highlights one very important fact: the state of New York just can’t get this guy to leave.
Speaking of New York, the Jets have hired Tood Bowles as their new head coach. Bowles told the media he’s incredibly excited to be the newest Jets coach who, if all goes well, will be mercifully fired four years in.
The Pittsburgh Steelers and long-time defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau have decided to go their separate ways. League execs were shocked by the news, but to be fair, with all of the NFL players paying child support these days, they’re not used to seeing a Dick pull out that suddenly.
MLB Records
According to a story told on The Tonight Show, Hall of Famer Wade Boggs once drank 107 beers in less than twelve hours. In fairness, it was American beer, so it’s closer to 20 actual beers and 87 glasses of water.
NASCAR Assassins
During a testimony in court, Kurt Busch claimed that his ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll is a trained assassin. Here’s a tip for Busch: if you learn that your significant other may or may not kill people for a living, don’t do something that might make her spiral into a state of out-of-control rage – like, say, a breakup!
NCAA Basketball upsets
Duke’s men’s basketball team lost their first game of the season to NC State this past weekend. The good news is that the players have already moved on from this crushing defeat and are focusing on bigger, more pressing issues – like remembering how to spell coach Mike Krzyzewski’s last name.
Soccer Stars
Christiano Ronaldo was named the 2014 FIFA Player of the Year. It’s his second Ballon D’Or win in the past three years, and you know what they say about a man with two huge golden balls – there’s absolutely no way his Calvin Klein underwear ads are photoshopped.
After scoring a stylish, mid-air goal against Lazio, Roma’s Francesco Totti celebrated by taking a selfie. So much for European soccer clubs trying to shake the image that some of their biggest stars routinely act like a bunch of spoiled teenage girls…
Tennis Milestones
Roger Federer recorded his 1,000th career tour win this week. Just to give you an idea of how many wins that is, take the amount of clutch playoff performances Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton has had in his career and add 1,000.
Nike is coming out with a line of self-lacing tennis shoes. It combines two of North America’s favorite pastimes: the thrill of competitive sport and being too lazy to lace up your own damn shoes.
AND FINALLY …
To celebrate the end of what has been a whirlwind college football season, here are some of their highest-profile figures reading mean tweets about themselves. Enjoy!
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