As always, it’s great to be back. Here’s what’s been making news this week in the world of pro sports:
NFL SCANDALS HEATING UP
The situation in Miami is getting ugly. Dolphins fans have now started leaving angry voicemails at Jeff Ireland’s office. To his credit, Ireland didn’t become uneasy until he got a text message from Brett Favre.
Brett Favre texting jokes are a lot like Carolina receiver Steve Smith: old, overused and last effective about four years ago.
Dwayne Bowe will play against the Broncos this weekend despite being arrested Tuesday for speeding and possession of marijuana. The bad news is that he’ll probably try and eat Andy Reid’s snack stash at halftime.
The Buffalo Bills have contacted the NFL to express what they’re calling “disappointment with the schedule”. When a team says something like that, I’m pretty sure it really means “not enough games against the Jaguars”.
NBA – LINSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.
Jeremy Lin went off against the 76ers Wednesday night, setting a Philadelphia house record with nine three-pointers in the same game. If he keeps being the focal point of the Houston offense, Dwight Howard might ask to go back to the Lakers.
Speaking of compelling stories, the Jazz finally got their first win of the season.
Magic forward Glen Davis has been fined by team officials for reportedly throwing a tantrum at a hotel – just another case of an athlete trying too hard to live up to his nickname.
The Lakers’ 320-game home sellout streak has finally come to an end. Members of the team are actually happy about this – it means Kobe will be glaring at the empty seats during timeouts and not any of them.
NHL – MOVERS AND SHAKERS ABOUND
In a move that some might call desperate, the Oilers have agreed to a contract with goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov. GM Craig MacTavish said he made the move because his players were making too much sense during post-game interviews.
It looks like Steven Stamkos might have to miss the Olympics with a fractured tibia. As a result, they’re looking to bring Martin St. Louis on board … not to replace Stamkos, but rather to push him around on the ice in his wheelchair.
Is anybody else sick of hearing how hard being injured is for a hockey player? I mean, if someone wanted to pay me millions of dollars to sit at home with my leg in a cast and not get slammed into the boards by an opponent, I’d be happier than Justin Bieber buying drop-crotch pants.
The Buffalo Sabres have hired a new coach and management personnel. They’re confident that, with this new brain trust, the team can be competitive in the near future. I have my doubts though; that’s like Ann Coulter saying she’ll get through a TV appearance without discriminating against Muslims.
A woman in Pittsburgh drew some online ire this week for being photographed with a sign saying she wants her headboard to give Sidney Crosby a concussion. The worst part? Since she’s not a repeat offender, Shanahan can only suspend her seven games.
MLB – FREE AGENCY SNUBS LOOM
The Yankees are reportedly refusing the services of closer Brian Wilson because he won’t shave off his beard. If I were Brian Cashman, I’d be more open-minded: the last time a team in the AL signed a bunch of has-beens and let them grow huge beards, they won the 2013 World Series.
CFL TEAM OUTRAGED AT CRACKHEAD
The Toronto Argonauts are calling Rob Ford’s comments about engaging in cunnilingus with his wife “disappointing”. Let me get this straight: his ability to passionately satisfy his wife is less acceptable than his inability to shake massive alcohol and drug problems? I knew sports executives were smart!
AND FINALLY …
A BBC commentator recently compared Tiger Woods to a polar bear. I find this insulting – at least polar bears aren’t stupid enough to let their wives catch them chatting with porn stars via cell phone.
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photo credit: designwallah via photopin cc
