Just like Richard Simmons walking into an all-glitter tank top store, it’s great to be back again this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL Woes
The NFL continues to freefall after having becoming embroiled in yet another player scandal. At this point, even the Kardashians look at Roger Goodell and say, “Damn, he’s always in the tabloids these days”.
In a press release, beer sponsor Anheuser-Busch stated that they are not impressed with the league’s handling of all these recent incidents. You know things are bad when the people who own Budweiser tell you that your problem-solving tactics are too watered-down.
Here’s the good news though: if Anheuser-Busch pulls their sponsorship, all the NFL has to do is piss off the companies that make pick-up trucks and we won’t have commercials during any of the games.
What’s more, CBS is now ditching their new Thursday Night Football intro after Rihanna lashed out at the company via Twitter. Danny Ferry was particularly disappointed, telling reporters that he’s always had a thing for singers who have “a little Barbados” in them.
The Atlanta Falcons demolished the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Thursday Night Football, taking a 56-0 lead after three quarters. The last time I saw someone get screwed that badly on national television, Al Gore was asking for another recount.
MLB Crotch-Grabs
Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon was suspended for seven games after grabbing his crotch as a gesture towards fans. That’s right: from now on the NL, instead of three strikes, now it’s “two balls, you’re out”.
NHL Dives
The NHL is looking to strengthen its discipline when it comes to diving. Now, every time a player is found guilty of embellishment, he’ll be sentenced to five games playing European soccer.
The league office has also said no to advertising on team uniforms. They’ve nixed the idea because they wouldn’t want company virtues conflicting with different team cultures – like having a Goodwill banner on a Boston Bruins jersey.
NBA World Competition
The United States beat Lithuania 129-92 and was crowned champions of this year’s FIBA World Cup. Let’s be honest though, it was a safe bet that they would win – the only safer bet in sports is that Adrian Peterson won’t be hired as a babysitter anytime soon.
I mean, the last time I saw the US beat out the competition by that wide a margin, I was looking at the CDC’s latest report of adult obesity.
NCAA Football Walk-Ons
AJ McCarron and his wife Katherine Webb have released their weddings photos online. I guess that answers the question “What was Brent Musberger looking at on Facebook last night?”
Here’s a cool story: 58 players on Kansas State – approximately half the roster – are either current or former walk-ons. That’s right, going from complete unknown status to playing in front of thousands of adoring fans – or, as Justin Bieber put it, “Those were the days”.
Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been suspended for the first half of the team’s upcoming game versus Clemson for using “graphic sexual language” on campus. Not to sound snobbish, but I never spoke graphically of sex when I was in university – I was brought up never to talk aimlessly about things I had no experience with.
AND FINALLY …
Here’s my video clip to end this week’s column: a first down celebration that every man reading this article will approve of!
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