Vancouver Canucks fans hated one of their players being the target of a certain TV personality‘s outrage many years ago. No names, of course, but if there was one it could rhyme with the guy who sang “American Pie”.
That’s all water under the bridgework now, of course. But we figured that if the Canucks wanted to bring back that animosity, they hinted at how back on November 17th. That was when they called up defenceman Elias “Hard As” Nils Pettersson.
Make the Vancouver Canucks Hated Again
For people who don’t remember, in 2011 the Canucks went all the way to the Stanley Cup Final. To say they were not considered “Canada’s Team” is an understatement. The sentiment even carried over to next season’s playoffs.
But you don’t get to be a target if you aren’t visible. And to be visible, you need to be not just good, but great. And, okay, making the team as it stands now great is going to involve more than a single rookie call-up.
It would actually be a lot of work and a lot of money to make the Vancouver Canucks as hated as they once were through skill alone. So we’re taking a shortcut. No more worrying if other teams hate the Canucks. Instead, we’re going to make the ANNOUNCERS hate the Canucks.
Trust us when we say: that rage will be in every word. Unfortunately, that’s also going to be true of the home announcers. And, let’s face it, the fans. Sorry, folks, but sanity is taking a back seat on this one. Yer hooped.
The Ground Rules
Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. Others, to watch it burn. Us? We’re going to make an entire team of Petterssons. Or as many Petterssons as can fit, anyway.
Now, obviously we could simply wander over to Sweden with chequebook in hand. You can fill an entire league twenty teams deep just with players named Pettersson, if your standards were low enough. But no! This is a team in the NHL, so we want NHL-level talents, with one or two exceptions.
This actually wasn’t as easy as our idle speculation hoped. We quickly ran out of Petterssons, despite Vancouver’s best efforts. So we had to consider slant rhymes, syllabic stresses, and just the rhythm of the whole thing. We showed our whole assonance, and what did we get for it?
This.
The 2024-25 Vancouver Canucks All-Hated Team
Victor Olofsson – Elias Pettersson – Drake Batherson
Beck Malenstyn – Viktor Arvidsson – Fabian Zetterlund
Dylan Peterson – Michael Eyssimont – Josh Anderson
Emil Pettersson – Juuso Pärssinen – Jonatan Berggren
Michael Anderson – Rasmus Andersson
Simon Edvinsson – Ty Emberson
Marcus Pettersson – Elias Pettersson
Frederik Andersen – Samuel Ersson
All apologies to John Shorthouse, who we expect will pause at least once per shift. Good luck, Shortie!
Serious Answers Only
Even if Vancouver wanted to engage with this madness, could they? Almost certainly. The sheer volume of talent the Canucks are giving up for the sake of a very silly joke makes it possible. Rasmus Andersson is a fine defenceman, but you’ll notice an absence of Quinn Hughes.
Yeah, getting these players to Vancouver wouldn’t be the problem. Getting them to win games would. Moving Pettersson – sorry, Marcus Pettersson – up with Andersson would obviously make more sense. But this lineup is not here to make sense, it’s to infuriate announcers.
On the other hand, not only would high draft picks come the Canucks’ way, they would be WAY under the salary cap. In fact, everyone’s cap hit for 2024-25 combined is just $54,175,175.
With the floor being $65 million, it means our lucky free-agent signing gets himself a one-year, $10, 824,825 contract. Congratulations to Swedish Elite League veteran (and less importantly brother of Elias Pettersson) Emil Pettersson!
That’s Cheating!
It’s hardly our fault he’s the only player on the list without a current NHL contract. He was selected by the Nashville Predators in 2013 and paid his AHL dues, but never cracked the big league lineup. So Emil’s our cheat to get through this with some semblance of a lineup.
Outside Emil and the Canucks defenceman whose brother he isn’t, the only player here without NHL games to his credit this season is St. Louis Blues prospect Dylan Peterson. Yes, we got him for his name, but he’s also a legitimate prospect. Certainly more than Emil is, anyway.
Not in the top six, maybe, and possibly not in the top nine. But he’s getting his feet under him in the AHL, and may well get a crack at the Blues this season. And with that name, he gets the benefit of the doubt.
Main Photo: Bob Frid-Imagn Images
